Are You Here?

Your silence kills me more than the words you say
You hold my hand tightly but seem so far away
I asked you to be honest, didn’t I?

You’d like to keep your distance, that’s fine by me
Tell me what’s on your mind, I cannot wait till another “cup of coffee”
If it’s time, I will say good-bye.

You’ve drifted off somewhere, I stand alone at the shore.
There is no point in holding out any more.


Our Conversation.

Words spoken worth tuppence
A façade of pretence
My only defence;

Million thoughts condense
Into one moment of –
Deafening silence

… The usual sequence.


You are a drug, my drug, my creation
And now I’m addicted to you.
I’m admitting it, finally.
I’m not ashamed to say it.
It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
When I’m away from you, when you’re not around me,
I know how horribly wrong I am about you
How terrible you can be to me,
What a pathetic influence you are
No thanks, I’d like to maintain my distance
Making me compromise on my independence
Talking to you diminishes my confidence,
I don’t know who I am anymore!
But I’m drawn to you.
You are my elixir.
And I come back.
You know I always will.
So you take advantage of it.
This is what you, your pseudo-love has done to me
Can’t you see?
I’m ravaged, pale, starving
Yet now you peacefully sleep
You won’t dream about me.
You won’t imagine me lying next to you, cuddling
In your arms, getting comfortable just as I did that evening
I’m mourning
Alone, all alone
I’m gasping, for air
Panting, I can’t breathe
Screaming hoarsely
Your name on my lips
My head is dizzy
Sudden influx of memories
I don’t want to remember them
I try so hard to push them out of my mind
Rapid, shallow, irregular
I will crave you, your presence
Even though I know
You will be the end of me.

False Hopes (It’s All A Lie)

Miss you
I’m so tired of fighting you
I’m so tired of fighting myself
I just want to
Want to crawl back in your arms and feel alright
Feel pity on my plight
I’m a pathetic sight right now
I want to feel safe
Not empty and hollow
Your absence is hard to swallow
Where you go, you know I’d blindly follow
But please, don’t take advantage of that.
Your ab sen  c    e
Is a shock
Now realization dawns
In this night of despair
Like a moth I’m drawn
To your false light – do I dare?

Miss you
Holding the shell-necklace you gave me in my hands
Its knots, endless, twisted and twisted
I can’t make head or tail of it
You were twisted too
And I was messed up
We promised we’d make each other alright
You’re fine now, I guess, I judge.
I’m still messed up
Creased, crumpled, crushed
Tossed into the waste-bin carelessly
Carelessly you let me go
You let me slip and fall
Now I pound at the walls
I’m uncared for
Yet, I miss you.
You were my drug, my elixir.
I was addicted
And my piano lies neglected
I haven’t played in so long
It’s gone, our song
Miss you
I do
Love you – I can’t say
But come back
I’ll make us some coffee
We’ll share a bar of chocolate
And laugh at that overused joke once more
Then everything will be alright.
I hope.

To Cupid

I’m waiting, Cupid.

Have been patiently waiting since the last three years.
Each time he ran away, whenever I shared my burdens, my fears
He ran away just when I fell for him. A different “he” each time.
Each time a death-knell chimed.
I’ve been shattered, scarred, pushed
Yelled at, betrayed, crushed
Lied to, humiliated
Neglected, cheated
Yet I picked up the pieces, and pieced my self back together again
Lying to myself that the one I need was just around the corner
Love who once was my life had now become a foreigner
I created illusions,
Shunned company, embraced seclusion
Because that was the only place where I was accepted
There wasn’t any warmth, the darkness never rejected
I created shadows of my own
To my soul, false promises I’d shown
Told myself my king would soon enter and claim his throne
Surrounded myself with people, yet I was so alone
Plastered a fake smile
Had to fake a facade of joy
Cupid where have you been all this while, boy?
Why do you desert me with such disdain?
I’ve built myself again but I’m going insane
What have I done to deserve this, save dream,
Of happiness, security; oh Cupid you’ve made me scream
So loud, yet only the silence of loneliness hears me.
I’ve so much to offer, so much to give freely
I only ask to be his, his one and only
I want him to look at me with pride and say, “There goes my girl!”
I want nothing in return, no gifts, no pearls
Just his unconditional love.
I just.. I just want to feel wanted, needed for once in my life.
I can’t hold out much longer.
I’ve tried becoming stronger,
But now I’m numb. Paranoid, even.
Love doesn’t seem right.
It hasn’t done me right.
I shiver from cold and fright,
Yet you are nowhere in sight.
Why are you letting my suffer so much in self-doubt?
Haven’t I cried enough tears? Haven’t you heard me shout?
Well, I’m ready to risk it all.
I know I may fall once more,
But what I know for sure
Is that I’ll rise
Once more I’ll grow wary, once more wise
But for now, can you just give me assurance,
Peace of mind? I’m well past my endurance
For once I want to believe in the magic and power of love
Be kind to me, one who sits watching from above.
Have pity on me, Cupid.
Let me not be hurt, I beg you.
I’m waiting.

I’m waiting, Cupid.

(In reply to Off Target, by Shawn Price.)

Under The Red Quilt

Under the red quilt
I smiled
You lay next to me
I snuggled close to you
Warming myself, at last
From the cold winds of loneliness (that ice my very blood, you know.)
I’d finally found a friend
We watched that movie
On that chilly afternoon
How your toes played with mine
Your fingers intertwined with mine
My head rested on your shoulder
I sighed..

That evening,
We talked on the terrace
Holding hands, holding cups of hot coffee
Together, you said, we’d stand through it all
Together, you said, like you really meant it, like a promise..
We smiled, this was our secret
I looked at you, saw hope, awe, anticipation

In the night,
I clutched your hand
You held me so close
As we watched that scary movie
I could barely look
Felt your breath
My hand on your chest
Rhythmically rising, falling
Your fingers tickling my hand
Holding my hand as if you’d never let go
As if you’d always be there for me

But the next day
Under the red quilt
You were next to me, not by my side (you seemed lost.)
After you’d spoken to him, your ‘friend’
Suddenly you clenched my hand hard
As if you never wanted to let go
You got up
I looked at you in surprise
And you said “We can only be friends,
Best friends.”

Your warm fingers traced the outline of my face
You looked away, then
Walked away
Your head hanging low
You never turned back
I stared into the void
My head throbbing
My heart sobbing
Ripped apart
What could I say?
Was I given a choice?
I wiped the lone tear off my cheek
Shivered, it was cold, so cold again
And crept
Under the red quilt

Twenty Past One

It’s twenty past one.
I’m sitting on my bed. Munching
On chocolate chip cookies, crunching
You were in front of me, all I was doing is punching
Your face,
Instead of speaking (I hate you so)
Which I know now I shouldn’t have said. (I love you so)
Now launching,
Into bouts of moody, selfish imagination
Of my version.
I’m staring,
Into oblivion
As you’re shrinking
Into the distant past
I’m blinking
I was a fool, convinced this would last
Oh, but you go,
I’m so over you.
Maybe not.