Evil In My Innocence, Or So It Seems

A storm of obsidian and orange battles in the sky,
Oblivious to me; marvelling at
This riot, this perpetual struggle
This essence of difference in their confluence.
Still, lifeless pools of mud
Smirk silently, the eyes of the earth watching
The air has stilled, as if with bated breath
They anticipate my walk into Doom
Vanishing into Oblivion
Dissolving in the Loneliness
But I am unafraid.
Silence.
I see you, as I have countless times
Your black silhouette glows too bright against the iridescent sky
Your shimmering smile is unreal, I remind myself
An illusion my mind has struggled violently against before
Acutely aware of my many scars, I walk
You invade the inner sanctum of my mind and I stumble
Powerless now, I crawl to you
Pushing all of your strength away from me in vain
Inexplicable terror seizes me and I collapse in your arms
You are an old wound with the capacity to hurt much more than you actually should.
Tears? What tears? To cry is such a cliché
And even though I am all too familiar with this pain,
The hurt rips me apart, just like the first time.
What is it about you that forces me to unwillingly succumb to your charms?
When I am finally conscious of your lethal touch
You grip my face and deeply, you kiss
Your heady scent envelops me – my grave
Irresistible as you are, I try and break free
I no longer have the strength to fight
All of a sudden you are gone and I am left clutching my Shadows, my old friends
Like a fool, once more I was trapped
My feet sink into that marsh called Hope
Damned to eternal punishment – my only crime being to love you and give my all to you
The sky rages overhead, rent apart by the violence of your words and light
The earth shudders in fury
And Time claims yet another innocent victim

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False Hopes (It’s All A Lie)

Miss you
I’m so tired of fighting you
I’m so tired of fighting myself
I just want to
Want to crawl back in your arms and feel alright
Feel pity on my plight
I’m a pathetic sight right now
I want to feel safe
Not empty and hollow
Your absence is hard to swallow
Where you go, you know I’d blindly follow
But please, don’t take advantage of that.
Your ab sen  c    e
Is a shock
Now realization dawns
In this night of despair
Like a moth I’m drawn
To your false light – do I dare?

Miss you
Holding the shell-necklace you gave me in my hands
Its knots, endless, twisted and twisted
I can’t make head or tail of it
You were twisted too
And I was messed up
We promised we’d make each other alright
You’re fine now, I guess, I judge.
I’m still messed up
Creased, crumpled, crushed
Tossed into the waste-bin carelessly
Carelessly you let me go
You let me slip and fall
Now I pound at the walls
I’m uncared for
Yet, I miss you.
You were my drug, my elixir.
I was addicted
And my piano lies neglected
I haven’t played in so long
It’s gone, our song
Miss you
I do
Love you – I can’t say
But come back
I’ll make us some coffee
We’ll share a bar of chocolate
And laugh at that overused joke once more
Then everything will be alright.
I hope.

Under The Red Quilt

Under the red quilt
I smiled
You lay next to me
I snuggled close to you
Warming myself, at last
From the cold winds of loneliness (that ice my very blood, you know.)
I’d finally found a friend
We watched that movie
On that chilly afternoon
How your toes played with mine
Your fingers intertwined with mine
My head rested on your shoulder
I sighed..

That evening,
We talked on the terrace
Holding hands, holding cups of hot coffee
Together, you said, we’d stand through it all
Together, you said, like you really meant it, like a promise..
We smiled, this was our secret
I looked at you, saw hope, awe, anticipation
Fear?

In the night,
I clutched your hand
You held me so close
As we watched that scary movie
I could barely look
Felt your breath
My hand on your chest
Rhythmically rising, falling
Your fingers tickling my hand
Holding my hand as if you’d never let go
As if you’d always be there for me

But the next day
Under the red quilt
You were next to me, not by my side (you seemed lost.)
After you’d spoken to him, your ‘friend’
Suddenly you clenched my hand hard
As if you never wanted to let go
You got up
I looked at you in surprise
And you said “We can only be friends,
Best friends.”

Your warm fingers traced the outline of my face
You looked away, then
Walked away
Your head hanging low
You never turned back
I stared into the void
My head throbbing
My heart sobbing
Ripped apart
What could I say?
Was I given a choice?
I wiped the lone tear off my cheek
Shivered, it was cold, so cold again
And crept
Under the red quilt

Twenty Past One

It’s twenty past one.
I’m sitting on my bed. Munching
On chocolate chip cookies, crunching
Thinking
You were in front of me, all I was doing is punching
Your face,
Instead of speaking (I hate you so)
Something
Which I know now I shouldn’t have said. (I love you so)
Now launching,
Into bouts of moody, selfish imagination
Of my version.
I’m staring,
Into oblivion
As you’re shrinking
Into the distant past
I’m blinking
I was a fool, convinced this would last
Oh, but you go,
I’m so over you.
Maybe not.

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love