Wishes (1)

I want to laugh and let the stars shine in my black eyes.
I went to be held close and hugged tight, enveloped in your warmth
I want to be kissed and melt in your arms
I want to be touched everywhere.
I want your magical hands run up and down my back – shiver!
I want to be giddy with desire
Longing for you,
Thirsting for you
I want you to tug at my hair lovingly and tuck it behind my ear when I smile at you, stroked when I lie in your arms, and brushed away from my face
I want to fall back on you when I fail
Lean on you when I cry
Hold on to you when I’m crippled
I want you when I’m in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, snuggling behind me
Whispering my favourite tunes in my ear
I want to cuddle up with you on a cold wintry day
When I go to sleep I want to know that no matter what, my darling, you are there for me and always will be.
I want to walk your miles with you, hand in hand
and cheer you on when you go that extra mile
I want to remain silent, standing quietly beside you
Watching the rain patter outside our window
I want to revel in the warmth of your body near mine
Your hand in mine, my hand on your chest, marvelling at the rhythmic rise and fall
Gently exploring the contours of your body, the way strong muscle has been weaved together by His hands – a true miracle!
And then I’ll sigh,
All I ask
Is to be trusted, honoured, cherished, respected and loved
I want to be your one and only
I want to be your heart, your soul, your life
I want to be the one who takes your breath away every morning as you awake to a new day.

Question

You ask me what I expect of you,
Ask me what my reaction would be
If you ever said that you love me.
A million thoughts running through my mind
Washed over with nostalgia
Remembering
Reminiscing
Reliving
Those times when you held me high
Those times have grown old now, haggard, fragile
Like a beautiful flower pressed somewhere between the pages of my book,
Trying to preserve its short-lived beauty, romance; it’s sad
Its dull shimmer, seems unreal (it used to shine so bright, it nearly blinded me)
Delicate; careful now, touch it and it’ll crumble and vanish into nothingness
Those times have grown old
Into times where you crushed me low, so low.
Blissfully ignorant,
But your ignorance is not my bliss.
Thinking about the times I was close,
Close by your side, holding your hand
Thinking about the times you were far,
Separated by inches that felt like miles of distance.
I sigh.
I thought I knew you so well, Mr. Stranger.
You study my face closely,
As I bite my lip like I always do when I’m thinking
You’re wondering:
What is going through my mind now?
Suddenly I’m transported to a conversation that I had with your “friend”
I said,
“If he never meant it, he shouldn’t have done that,
He shouldn’t have held my hand,
He shouldn’t have caressed my cheek.”
And you know what he said?
“He regrets that too.”
What did this too mean?!
I never regretted any of it!
I think,
I barely trust myself to believe that you were lying to me
All this while
But…
I try,
A million thoughts converging and then shattering to pieces, painful
I try,
to fix
to fix my gaze on yours
Forget looking straight,
I am barely thinking straight
I’m hoping
That you delve into the depths of my soul
And find
What I truly mean to say.
If you search,
You’ll find it.
Till you do,
The answer is,
“I don’t know.”

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love