Midnight Conversations With Myself.

I am solitary tears tied with string.
(Oh where, oh where could you be?)
(Phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

To the calm, chaos I bring.
(I look in your eyes and what do I see?)
(Oh phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

I am the frost in your disparity.
I am the hope bringing you to your knees.
(Don’t you know what you mean to me?)

I am frozen smiles that reach your ears.
I am the pulse behind your tears.
I am the darkness swallowing up your fears.
(Woman, where is your smile?)
(You’ve been away for a while.)

My tears run down a familiar path, you see.
Do you ever still think about me?
Would you ever write a song about us, and what we used to be?
(Who is this you speak about? An unnamed reflection, and half your heart?)

Would I do it all again? Probably not.
I’d simply re-write the ‘end’ into a momentary pause.
(To still care, you choose.)
(What’s it been now, anyway? One year, or two?)

This was inadequate love, I say.
Too far I let you stray.
Too scared to trust,
Too sacred to lose.
We had one choice; and that we didn’t choose.
(Silly woman, move on already.)
(He’s in a happier place with others, from you he is free.)
(Don’t draw him back into your misery.)

I am seashells strung with red ribbon.
I am the taste of chocolate on your lips.
I am three missed phone calls and six cups of coffee.
I am the songs you strum on your guitar at night.
(Let go and forget.)
(It is for the best.)

I want our time back.
I shut my eyes and I’m still taken back to the hills, under open skies
Do you remember, do you remember at all?
Have your forgotten, in the silence it was your name I called?
Isn’t your embrace where I truly belong?
(…)
(I have nothing to say, anymore.)
(You’ve been down this memory path before.)

Well.

My laughter is no longer the sweetest sound you will hear.
It is bitterness tinged with cheer.
I am not sunshine and I am not peace.
I would rather run to the chaos and see the present it brought me.
(Phenomenal woman, you set your boundaries.)
(Phenomenal woman, now you are truly free.)

Let’s put all of this behind us and start anew.
“Hi, I’m Ruth, and it’s nice to meet you.”
(But love of my life, are you still you?)

Addiction

You are a drug, my drug, my creation
And now I’m addicted to you.
I’m admitting it, finally.
I’m not ashamed to say it.
It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
When I’m away from you, when you’re not around me,
I know how horribly wrong I am about you
How terrible you can be to me,
What a pathetic influence you are
No thanks, I’d like to maintain my distance
Making me compromise on my independence
Talking to you diminishes my confidence,
I don’t know who I am anymore!
But I’m drawn to you.
You are my elixir.
And I come back.
You know I always will.
So you take advantage of it.
This is what you, your pseudo-love has done to me
Can’t you see?
I’m ravaged, pale, starving
Yet now you peacefully sleep
You won’t dream about me.
You won’t imagine me lying next to you, cuddling
In your arms, getting comfortable just as I did that evening
I’m mourning
Alone, all alone
I’m gasping, for air
Panting, I can’t breathe
Choking,
Screaming hoarsely
Your name on my lips
My head is dizzy
Sudden influx of memories
I don’t want to remember them
I try so hard to push them out of my mind
Rapid, shallow, irregular
I will crave you, your presence
Even though I know
You will be the end of me.

Under The Red Quilt

Under the red quilt
I smiled
You lay next to me
I snuggled close to you
Warming myself, at last
From the cold winds of loneliness (that ice my very blood, you know.)
I’d finally found a friend
We watched that movie
On that chilly afternoon
How your toes played with mine
Your fingers intertwined with mine
My head rested on your shoulder
I sighed..

That evening,
We talked on the terrace
Holding hands, holding cups of hot coffee
Together, you said, we’d stand through it all
Together, you said, like you really meant it, like a promise..
We smiled, this was our secret
I looked at you, saw hope, awe, anticipation
Fear?

In the night,
I clutched your hand
You held me so close
As we watched that scary movie
I could barely look
Felt your breath
My hand on your chest
Rhythmically rising, falling
Your fingers tickling my hand
Holding my hand as if you’d never let go
As if you’d always be there for me

But the next day
Under the red quilt
You were next to me, not by my side (you seemed lost.)
After you’d spoken to him, your ‘friend’
Suddenly you clenched my hand hard
As if you never wanted to let go
You got up
I looked at you in surprise
And you said “We can only be friends,
Best friends.”

Your warm fingers traced the outline of my face
You looked away, then
Walked away
Your head hanging low
You never turned back
I stared into the void
My head throbbing
My heart sobbing
Ripped apart
What could I say?
Was I given a choice?
I wiped the lone tear off my cheek
Shivered, it was cold, so cold again
And crept
Under the red quilt

Scared

(an older piece)

Is this real?
I ask myself
Can it be real?
Is this too good to be true?
I am happy, is it wrong?
I’m so afraid because happiness like this is frightening
They say, they only let you be so happy when they are going to take something away from you
Will he go away, like they all did before?
Will he leave, will he break my heart?
Should I risk it, or run for my life?
Should I fall under his spell and then into a deep abyss of hurt and betrayal?
I’m so tired of being hurt again and again and again
I’d like to feel wanted…
No, but I’m too scared to love
Too scared to let go
Too scared to lose myself in his eyes
To melt in his embrace
Oh, but it feels so good, so good when I’m around him,
When I take in his heady scent
When he talks to me in that damn-assured voice of his
It was the music that brought us together
Will the music take him away?
I think I’m in love but I’m afraid to say it out loud
They may hear me, I may jinx it
I may say something wrong and just blow it all away
This is precious to me, fragile
This feeling I’m feeling
I’d like to cherish it; forever
Truth is, I’m scared

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love