My New-Old Friend

These are my memories of you.
Orange juice, after a strenuous
game of boisterous
Football.
After which we sat, and talked, and talked some more, and held hands,
Two aunties swishing their dupattas as they walked by,
Their upturned noses,
Disdainful glances, (through gold-rimmed glasses)
And how we laughed!
We started speaking because of our love of food (junk, obviously)
And we first met each other.
And we couldn’t take our eyes off each other.
As we zoooooooomed through the streets of the city,
Vrooooom!
Lunch, then (junk, obviously)
And one giant cup of strong, chilled, fizzy, sticky, sticky soda
A glass bottle that traveled across the seas from
Dubai, and that red scarf
Where I was The King,
The Master Of The Earth
With a painted mustache on my face.
And you pretended to be my not-so-humble servant,
Bumbling about with that huge umbrella.
And how we laughed!
And you watched as I took your watch.
(I still wear it everyday, you know.)
Steady eyes boring deep, gauging my reaction.
I was pleasantly surprised.
The fort near the sea, where we took so many glorious pictures
And memories, near the wall
Your results, we stalked in the mall
And you spoke to my mom.
Show-off. How would I forget that, darling?
Five hour midnight conversations
Over things as trivial as spiders on my wall
And skeletons in the closet, and high-school crushes,
Teachers, your favorite (wink wink)
And music, you were so ‘patient’ with me
And how we just had to try out that chicken roll.
And scared me again,
Over this fizzy, half-empty, sticky, sticky, sticky bottle of soda
You messed my hair. I’m not going to forgive you for that.
Oh, how we laughed!
Your shoes, those black ones,
I crafted, you loved
To see me do that, and you would smile
At whatever I did, I remember
How you pulled my cheeks as I sang (horribly off-tune, of course)
And brushed that stray lock off my face
And I blushed, and you would smile.
You taught me to smile, (did you know that?) all the time,
(and crack a stupid joke whenever I could)
You taught me what laughter is,
What a true best friend can be.
And how to mean every word I said,
And still be absolutely sane-insane.
Enjoy, what life is,
You defined vibrant, you defined life
We left our demons behind
And how we laughed! Without a care in this desolate, dreary world.
The world was too slow for us. We never really understood them, I felt.
We were more than friends.
You said it.
I knew it.
I was scared,
To admit it.
I’m so sorry I let you down.
I let our moment,
Our moment
Pass by,
And I ignored it
I hurt you,
I know. I’m so sorry.
You’re away now, pursuing passionately your dreams
The light
Still bright
In your eyes (don’t let it fade, ever)
And the last day, before you went,
I didn’t want to let you go…
Do you understand?
We don’t talk now, but
My drunk friend, if I could, I would
Spend the last five minutes of my life with you,
Talking about t-shirts, and just drinking in your laughter,
As we would sit bare-foot in the sand, sharing a half-empty, (you would say half-full) bottle of sticky, fizzy soda, with lots of bubbles.

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Twenty Past One

It’s twenty past one.
I’m sitting on my bed. Munching
On chocolate chip cookies, crunching
Thinking
You were in front of me, all I was doing is punching
Your face,
Instead of speaking (I hate you so)
Something
Which I know now I shouldn’t have said. (I love you so)
Now launching,
Into bouts of moody, selfish imagination
Of my version.
I’m staring,
Into oblivion
As you’re shrinking
Into the distant past
I’m blinking
I was a fool, convinced this would last
Oh, but you go,
I’m so over you.
Maybe not.

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love