Midnight Conversations With Myself.

I am solitary tears tied with string.
(Oh where, oh where could you be?)
(Phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

To the calm, chaos I bring.
(I look in your eyes and what do I see?)
(Oh phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

I am the frost in your disparity.
I am the hope bringing you to your knees.
(Don’t you know what you mean to me?)

I am frozen smiles that reach your ears.
I am the pulse behind your tears.
I am the darkness swallowing up your fears.
(Woman, where is your smile?)
(You’ve been away for a while.)

My tears run down a familiar path, you see.
Do you ever still think about me?
Would you ever write a song about us, and what we used to be?
(Who is this you speak about? An unnamed reflection, and half your heart?)

Would I do it all again? Probably not.
I’d simply re-write the ‘end’ into a momentary pause.
(To still care, you choose.)
(What’s it been now, anyway? One year, or two?)

This was inadequate love, I say.
Too far I let you stray.
Too scared to trust,
Too sacred to lose.
We had one choice; and that we didn’t choose.
(Silly woman, move on already.)
(He’s in a happier place with others, from you he is free.)
(Don’t draw him back into your misery.)

I am seashells strung with red ribbon.
I am the taste of chocolate on your lips.
I am three missed phone calls and six cups of coffee.
I am the songs you strum on your guitar at night.
(Let go and forget.)
(It is for the best.)

I want our time back.
I shut my eyes and I’m still taken back to the hills, under open skies
Do you remember, do you remember at all?
Have your forgotten, in the silence it was your name I called?
Isn’t your embrace where I truly belong?
(…)
(I have nothing to say, anymore.)
(You’ve been down this memory path before.)

Well.

My laughter is no longer the sweetest sound you will hear.
It is bitterness tinged with cheer.
I am not sunshine and I am not peace.
I would rather run to the chaos and see the present it brought me.
(Phenomenal woman, you set your boundaries.)
(Phenomenal woman, now you are truly free.)

Let’s put all of this behind us and start anew.
“Hi, I’m Ruth, and it’s nice to meet you.”
(But love of my life, are you still you?)

I Am

I am the unspoken words on your lips
I am what makes your heart tingle with magic
I am the rush of blood in your veins
I am your release from this world’s cumbersome chains
I am the crease of your worried brow
I am the sorrow you never let show
I am the pride that holds your chin up
I am the hope in your eyes
I am the wild voice in your head
I am the courage in your steps to go that extra mile
I am the soft sighs of frustration
I am the screams of exultation
I am the one truth you can’t deny
I am yours, and you are mine,
I am the love of your life.

 

Fluid.

My heart is heavy, but now it is free.
I stumble in the darkness, but at least I can see.
Water is insipid but it cannot be stitched.
Ignorance is bliss, so let’s pretend you don’t exist.
Let’s pretend we never kissed.

Sunlight and silence don’t really go well together,
Just like you and me.
The blows of your words turned my heart into steel.
Steel turns into resolve that cannot be caged.
The still of the oceans soothes a heart full of rage.

Water may be insipid, but at least it flows and is free,
I am lifeless, but at least I am me.

Evil In My Innocence, Or So It Seems

A storm of obsidian and orange battles in the sky,
Oblivious to me; marvelling at
This riot, this perpetual struggle
This essence of difference in their confluence.
Still, lifeless pools of mud
Smirk silently, the eyes of the earth watching
The air has stilled, as if with bated breath
They anticipate my walk into Doom
Vanishing into Oblivion
Dissolving in the Loneliness
But I am unafraid.
Silence.
I see you, as I have countless times
Your black silhouette glows too bright against the iridescent sky
Your shimmering smile is unreal, I remind myself
An illusion my mind has struggled violently against before
Acutely aware of my many scars, I walk
You invade the inner sanctum of my mind and I stumble
Powerless now, I crawl to you
Pushing all of your strength away from me in vain
Inexplicable terror seizes me and I collapse in your arms
You are an old wound with the capacity to hurt much more than you actually should.
Tears? What tears? To cry is such a cliché
And even though I am all too familiar with this pain,
The hurt rips me apart, just like the first time.
What is it about you that forces me to unwillingly succumb to your charms?
When I am finally conscious of your lethal touch
You grip my face and deeply, you kiss
Your heady scent envelops me – my grave
Irresistible as you are, I try and break free
I no longer have the strength to fight
All of a sudden you are gone and I am left clutching my Shadows, my old friends
Like a fool, once more I was trapped
My feet sink into that marsh called Hope
Damned to eternal punishment – my only crime being to love you and give my all to you
The sky rages overhead, rent apart by the violence of your words and light
The earth shudders in fury
And Time claims yet another innocent victim

One Infinite Moment

Your skin –
Brown, brown like the soil of the earth
Rich and fertile; stretched taut over strong muscle weaved together
Epitome of support and stability, embodiment of strength,
The very essence of life itself.
Your soul as ancient and old as the soul of the earth
The wisdom of a million years…
Your secrets buried deep in your skin
Your beautiful scars, each with a legend of its own
Your dark skin, like the earth; my life-giver.

Your skin lays against mine;
Pale, white,
Translucent like starlight
White as the moon in the dark night
Fair, fair, as the fair clouds in blue deep
Liquid and flowing like the foam spray on sea
Soft, innocent as a shy lily bud
Fragile and delicate; but free as the air
Pale white and sublime, I teach you life without care.

You are permanent.
I am ever-changing.
You are constant.
I am dynamic.
You are resolute.
I am free-spirited.
You are practical.
I am spontaneous.
You are grounded.
I am versatile.
You build and create.
I give life.

We reach out to touch each other, to teach each other
The inches between us like miles of hollow space
I reach out to touch your face
Bracing for the shattering impact
We embrace each other at arm’s length –
Distance makes the heart grow closer.
You look away; and turn to look at me again
Pushing past all our boundaries, breaking through the last impossible barriers
Stars in our eyes,
Hearts beat rapidly.
My hand in yours is milky dew fresh on wet, fragrant earth…

The patient wait of an eternity is in one moment captured,
Erased is our past, behold the future..?

For one moment, our lips touch
For one moment –

So close, yet so far…

When we meet, the earth and sky greet –
For what is one without the other?

 

You, Sunshine.

A solitary white orb gracefully melts at crack of dawn –
Wisps of clouds swirl, a giddying delight of shadow and light
The muted silhouette of the sun rises silently
A delicate, fragrant zephyr cools my face
Rays of the sun reach out and warms my soul.
The sweet dark night sky has played its part,
The frost of night no longer chills my heart.
The darkness vanishes and this time the nightmares stay behind.
I embrace the glow, my old friend now I find.
Now I understand the purpose of night –
If not for the dusk how would I have ever found you, my light?
Your touch lingers on my skin.
Your smile is etched in my mind.
Your kiss renews me with strength.
The look in your eyes,
The tremor in your voice
Tells me all I needed to know.
A pregnant pause, a wistful sigh,
Heavy eyes greet the azure sky.
The pain fades, the hurt I shun;
Slowly, I turn my face to the rising sun,
To let the sunshine kiss my face.

Do you understand why I call you Sunshine?
Yes, you, you dispelled the darkness.

Wishes (1)

I want to laugh and let the stars shine in my black eyes.
I went to be held close and hugged tight, enveloped in your warmth
I want to be kissed and melt in your arms
I want to be touched everywhere.
I want your magical hands run up and down my back – shiver!
I want to be giddy with desire
Longing for you,
Thirsting for you
I want you to tug at my hair lovingly and tuck it behind my ear when I smile at you, stroked when I lie in your arms, and brushed away from my face
I want to fall back on you when I fail
Lean on you when I cry
Hold on to you when I’m crippled
I want you when I’m in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, snuggling behind me
Whispering my favourite tunes in my ear
I want to cuddle up with you on a cold wintry day
When I go to sleep I want to know that no matter what, my darling, you are there for me and always will be.
I want to walk your miles with you, hand in hand
and cheer you on when you go that extra mile
I want to remain silent, standing quietly beside you
Watching the rain patter outside our window
I want to revel in the warmth of your body near mine
Your hand in mine, my hand on your chest, marvelling at the rhythmic rise and fall
Gently exploring the contours of your body, the way strong muscle has been weaved together by His hands – a true miracle!
And then I’ll sigh,
All I ask
Is to be trusted, honoured, cherished, respected and loved
I want to be your one and only
I want to be your heart, your soul, your life
I want to be the one who takes your breath away every morning as you awake to a new day.

Question

You ask me what I expect of you,
Ask me what my reaction would be
If you ever said that you love me.
A million thoughts running through my mind
Washed over with nostalgia
Remembering
Reminiscing
Reliving
Those times when you held me high
Those times have grown old now, haggard, fragile
Like a beautiful flower pressed somewhere between the pages of my book,
Trying to preserve its short-lived beauty, romance; it’s sad
Its dull shimmer, seems unreal (it used to shine so bright, it nearly blinded me)
Delicate; careful now, touch it and it’ll crumble and vanish into nothingness
Those times have grown old
Into times where you crushed me low, so low.
Blissfully ignorant,
But your ignorance is not my bliss.
Thinking about the times I was close,
Close by your side, holding your hand
Thinking about the times you were far,
Separated by inches that felt like miles of distance.
I sigh.
I thought I knew you so well, Mr. Stranger.
You study my face closely,
As I bite my lip like I always do when I’m thinking
You’re wondering:
What is going through my mind now?
Suddenly I’m transported to a conversation that I had with your “friend”
I said,
“If he never meant it, he shouldn’t have done that,
He shouldn’t have held my hand,
He shouldn’t have caressed my cheek.”
And you know what he said?
“He regrets that too.”
What did this too mean?!
I never regretted any of it!
I think,
I barely trust myself to believe that you were lying to me
All this while
But…
I try,
A million thoughts converging and then shattering to pieces, painful
I try,
to fix
to fix my gaze on yours
Forget looking straight,
I am barely thinking straight
I’m hoping
That you delve into the depths of my soul
And find
What I truly mean to say.
If you search,
You’ll find it.
Till you do,
The answer is,
“I don’t know.”

Hush, Now (The Little Death)

Speak softly, my darling
Quiet, not a word now,
Let’s fight no more.
Hush, listen to the
Sounds of silence, the
Oblivion, the
Darkness, of
Loneliness
Out of which we arose
Like a phoenix, from the ashes,
The embers will never die.
The passion we shared
Will never fade…
The warmth; we warmed each other
The cockles of my heart, melting
The cold, hard snow of the years, thawing
The warm ray of sunshine
You came into my life,
We filled the deafening silence with
Our music
Our laughter
Half smiles and downcast eyes.
In your arms I lay (till the storm passes)
You held me close (till the wind ceases)
I thought you would never let go…
A cool zephyr blows, now the light glows
Together we’ll soar into the sky
Above the miserable clouds (with no silver lining)
Up where the sun shines upon on our faces
The wind beneath our wings
We’ll laugh together,
We’ll mock those jaded, cynical beings
Who mocked us.
They were just jealous
We’ll prove them wrong,
Our love will.

Come to me.
Speak no more.
Precious, fragile, delicate hearts
Can break under harsh words, under pressure
Hush now, let’s nourish
The little we have left
A measure of music, half of merriment
A sprinkling of the shards of the past…
Hold my hand.
I’ll shroud you in my affections
Smother you with my love
Choke you with my words
Close your eyes with my kisses
Put you to sleep with my songs, my voice
And when you rest I’ll let go
And you’ll slip back into oblivion.
Peacefully.
Unknowingly.
And I’ll return to the shadows I know too well,
Existing, not living
Covered in cobwebs (of illusion), star-dust
Surrounded in shards of my broken soul
Each reflecting, magnifying the hurt, the pain,
Singing the song of silence (it’ll echo)
Till I rise again

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love