Midnight Conversations With Myself.

I am solitary tears tied with string.
(Oh where, oh where could you be?)
(Phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

To the calm, chaos I bring.
(I look in your eyes and what do I see?)
(Oh phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

I am the frost in your disparity.
I am the hope bringing you to your knees.
(Don’t you know what you mean to me?)

I am frozen smiles that reach your ears.
I am the pulse behind your tears.
I am the darkness swallowing up your fears.
(Woman, where is your smile?)
(You’ve been away for a while.)

My tears run down a familiar path, you see.
Do you ever still think about me?
Would you ever write a song about us, and what we used to be?
(Who is this you speak about? An unnamed reflection, and half your heart?)

Would I do it all again? Probably not.
I’d simply re-write the ‘end’ into a momentary pause.
(To still care, you choose.)
(What’s it been now, anyway? One year, or two?)

This was inadequate love, I say.
Too far I let you stray.
Too scared to trust,
Too sacred to lose.
We had one choice; and that we didn’t choose.
(Silly woman, move on already.)
(He’s in a happier place with others, from you he is free.)
(Don’t draw him back into your misery.)

I am seashells strung with red ribbon.
I am the taste of chocolate on your lips.
I am three missed phone calls and six cups of coffee.
I am the songs you strum on your guitar at night.
(Let go and forget.)
(It is for the best.)

I want our time back.
I shut my eyes and I’m still taken back to the hills, under open skies
Do you remember, do you remember at all?
Have your forgotten, in the silence it was your name I called?
Isn’t your embrace where I truly belong?
(…)
(I have nothing to say, anymore.)
(You’ve been down this memory path before.)

Well.

My laughter is no longer the sweetest sound you will hear.
It is bitterness tinged with cheer.
I am not sunshine and I am not peace.
I would rather run to the chaos and see the present it brought me.
(Phenomenal woman, you set your boundaries.)
(Phenomenal woman, now you are truly free.)

Let’s put all of this behind us and start anew.
“Hi, I’m Ruth, and it’s nice to meet you.”
(But love of my life, are you still you?)

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I Am

I am the unspoken words on your lips
I am what makes your heart tingle with magic
I am the rush of blood in your veins
I am your release from this world’s cumbersome chains
I am the crease of your worried brow
I am the sorrow you never let show
I am the pride that holds your chin up
I am the hope in your eyes
I am the wild voice in your head
I am the courage in your steps to go that extra mile
I am the soft sighs of frustration
I am the screams of exultation
I am the one truth you can’t deny
I am yours, and you are mine,
I am the love of your life.

 

Fluid.

My heart is heavy, but now it is free.
I stumble in the darkness, but at least I can see.
Water is insipid but it cannot be stitched.
Ignorance is bliss, so let’s pretend you don’t exist.
Let’s pretend we never kissed.

Sunlight and silence don’t really go well together,
Just like you and me.
The blows of your words turned my heart into steel.
Steel turns into resolve that cannot be caged.
The still of the oceans soothes a heart full of rage.

Water may be insipid, but at least it flows and is free,
I am lifeless, but at least I am me.

Evil In My Innocence, Or So It Seems

A storm of obsidian and orange battles in the sky,
Oblivious to me; marvelling at
This riot, this perpetual struggle
This essence of difference in their confluence.
Still, lifeless pools of mud
Smirk silently, the eyes of the earth watching
The air has stilled, as if with bated breath
They anticipate my walk into Doom
Vanishing into Oblivion
Dissolving in the Loneliness
But I am unafraid.
Silence.
I see you, as I have countless times
Your black silhouette glows too bright against the iridescent sky
Your shimmering smile is unreal, I remind myself
An illusion my mind has struggled violently against before
Acutely aware of my many scars, I walk
You invade the inner sanctum of my mind and I stumble
Powerless now, I crawl to you
Pushing all of your strength away from me in vain
Inexplicable terror seizes me and I collapse in your arms
You are an old wound with the capacity to hurt much more than you actually should.
Tears? What tears? To cry is such a cliché
And even though I am all too familiar with this pain,
The hurt rips me apart, just like the first time.
What is it about you that forces me to unwillingly succumb to your charms?
When I am finally conscious of your lethal touch
You grip my face and deeply, you kiss
Your heady scent envelops me – my grave
Irresistible as you are, I try and break free
I no longer have the strength to fight
All of a sudden you are gone and I am left clutching my Shadows, my old friends
Like a fool, once more I was trapped
My feet sink into that marsh called Hope
Damned to eternal punishment – my only crime being to love you and give my all to you
The sky rages overhead, rent apart by the violence of your words and light
The earth shudders in fury
And Time claims yet another innocent victim

Are You Here?

Your silence kills me more than the words you say
You hold my hand tightly but seem so far away
I asked you to be honest, didn’t I?

You’d like to keep your distance, that’s fine by me
Tell me what’s on your mind, I cannot wait till another “cup of coffee”
If it’s time, I will say good-bye.

You’ve drifted off somewhere, I stand alone at the shore.
There is no point in holding out any more.

One Infinite Moment

Your skin –
Brown, brown like the soil of the earth
Rich and fertile; stretched taut over strong muscle weaved together
Epitome of support and stability, embodiment of strength,
The very essence of life itself.
Your soul as ancient and old as the soul of the earth
The wisdom of a million years…
Your secrets buried deep in your skin
Your beautiful scars, each with a legend of its own
Your dark skin, like the earth; my life-giver.

Your skin lays against mine;
Pale, white,
Translucent like starlight
White as the moon in the dark night
Fair, fair, as the fair clouds in blue deep
Liquid and flowing like the foam spray on sea
Soft, innocent as a shy lily bud
Fragile and delicate; but free as the air
Pale white and sublime, I teach you life without care.

You are permanent.
I am ever-changing.
You are constant.
I am dynamic.
You are resolute.
I am free-spirited.
You are practical.
I am spontaneous.
You are grounded.
I am versatile.
You build and create.
I give life.

We reach out to touch each other, to teach each other
The inches between us like miles of hollow space
I reach out to touch your face
Bracing for the shattering impact
We embrace each other at arm’s length –
Distance makes the heart grow closer.
You look away; and turn to look at me again
Pushing past all our boundaries, breaking through the last impossible barriers
Stars in our eyes,
Hearts beat rapidly.
My hand in yours is milky dew fresh on wet, fragrant earth…

The patient wait of an eternity is in one moment captured,
Erased is our past, behold the future..?

For one moment, our lips touch
For one moment –

So close, yet so far…

When we meet, the earth and sky greet –
For what is one without the other?

 

You, Sunshine.

A solitary white orb gracefully melts at crack of dawn –
Wisps of clouds swirl, a giddying delight of shadow and light
The muted silhouette of the sun rises silently
A delicate, fragrant zephyr cools my face
Rays of the sun reach out and warms my soul.
The sweet dark night sky has played its part,
The frost of night no longer chills my heart.
The darkness vanishes and this time the nightmares stay behind.
I embrace the glow, my old friend now I find.
Now I understand the purpose of night –
If not for the dusk how would I have ever found you, my light?
Your touch lingers on my skin.
Your smile is etched in my mind.
Your kiss renews me with strength.
The look in your eyes,
The tremor in your voice
Tells me all I needed to know.
A pregnant pause, a wistful sigh,
Heavy eyes greet the azure sky.
The pain fades, the hurt I shun;
Slowly, I turn my face to the rising sun,
To let the sunshine kiss my face.

Do you understand why I call you Sunshine?
Yes, you, you dispelled the darkness.

Addiction

You are a drug, my drug, my creation
And now I’m addicted to you.
I’m admitting it, finally.
I’m not ashamed to say it.
It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
When I’m away from you, when you’re not around me,
I know how horribly wrong I am about you
How terrible you can be to me,
What a pathetic influence you are
No thanks, I’d like to maintain my distance
Making me compromise on my independence
Talking to you diminishes my confidence,
I don’t know who I am anymore!
But I’m drawn to you.
You are my elixir.
And I come back.
You know I always will.
So you take advantage of it.
This is what you, your pseudo-love has done to me
Can’t you see?
I’m ravaged, pale, starving
Yet now you peacefully sleep
You won’t dream about me.
You won’t imagine me lying next to you, cuddling
In your arms, getting comfortable just as I did that evening
I’m mourning
Alone, all alone
I’m gasping, for air
Panting, I can’t breathe
Choking,
Screaming hoarsely
Your name on my lips
My head is dizzy
Sudden influx of memories
I don’t want to remember them
I try so hard to push them out of my mind
Rapid, shallow, irregular
I will crave you, your presence
Even though I know
You will be the end of me.

Wishes (1)

I want to laugh and let the stars shine in my black eyes.
I went to be held close and hugged tight, enveloped in your warmth
I want to be kissed and melt in your arms
I want to be touched everywhere.
I want your magical hands run up and down my back – shiver!
I want to be giddy with desire
Longing for you,
Thirsting for you
I want you to tug at my hair lovingly and tuck it behind my ear when I smile at you, stroked when I lie in your arms, and brushed away from my face
I want to fall back on you when I fail
Lean on you when I cry
Hold on to you when I’m crippled
I want you when I’m in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, snuggling behind me
Whispering my favourite tunes in my ear
I want to cuddle up with you on a cold wintry day
When I go to sleep I want to know that no matter what, my darling, you are there for me and always will be.
I want to walk your miles with you, hand in hand
and cheer you on when you go that extra mile
I want to remain silent, standing quietly beside you
Watching the rain patter outside our window
I want to revel in the warmth of your body near mine
Your hand in mine, my hand on your chest, marvelling at the rhythmic rise and fall
Gently exploring the contours of your body, the way strong muscle has been weaved together by His hands – a true miracle!
And then I’ll sigh,
All I ask
Is to be trusted, honoured, cherished, respected and loved
I want to be your one and only
I want to be your heart, your soul, your life
I want to be the one who takes your breath away every morning as you awake to a new day.

False Hopes (It’s All A Lie)

Miss you
I’m so tired of fighting you
I’m so tired of fighting myself
I just want to
Want to crawl back in your arms and feel alright
Feel pity on my plight
I’m a pathetic sight right now
I want to feel safe
Not empty and hollow
Your absence is hard to swallow
Where you go, you know I’d blindly follow
But please, don’t take advantage of that.
Your ab sen  c    e
Is a shock
Now realization dawns
In this night of despair
Like a moth I’m drawn
To your false light – do I dare?

Miss you
Holding the shell-necklace you gave me in my hands
Its knots, endless, twisted and twisted
I can’t make head or tail of it
You were twisted too
And I was messed up
We promised we’d make each other alright
You’re fine now, I guess, I judge.
I’m still messed up
Creased, crumpled, crushed
Tossed into the waste-bin carelessly
Carelessly you let me go
You let me slip and fall
Now I pound at the walls
I’m uncared for
Yet, I miss you.
You were my drug, my elixir.
I was addicted
And my piano lies neglected
I haven’t played in so long
It’s gone, our song
Miss you
I do
Love you – I can’t say
But come back
I’ll make us some coffee
We’ll share a bar of chocolate
And laugh at that overused joke once more
Then everything will be alright.
I hope.

To Cupid

I’m waiting, Cupid.

Have been patiently waiting since the last three years.
Each time he ran away, whenever I shared my burdens, my fears
He ran away just when I fell for him. A different “he” each time.
Each time a death-knell chimed.
I’ve been shattered, scarred, pushed
Yelled at, betrayed, crushed
Lied to, humiliated
Neglected, cheated
Yet I picked up the pieces, and pieced my self back together again
Lying to myself that the one I need was just around the corner
Love who once was my life had now become a foreigner
I created illusions,
Shunned company, embraced seclusion
Because that was the only place where I was accepted
There wasn’t any warmth, the darkness never rejected
I created shadows of my own
To my soul, false promises I’d shown
Told myself my king would soon enter and claim his throne
Surrounded myself with people, yet I was so alone
Plastered a fake smile
Had to fake a facade of joy
Cupid where have you been all this while, boy?
Why do you desert me with such disdain?
I’ve built myself again but I’m going insane
What have I done to deserve this, save dream,
Of happiness, security; oh Cupid you’ve made me scream
So loud, yet only the silence of loneliness hears me.
I’ve so much to offer, so much to give freely
I only ask to be his, his one and only
I want him to look at me with pride and say, “There goes my girl!”
I want nothing in return, no gifts, no pearls
Just his unconditional love.
I just.. I just want to feel wanted, needed for once in my life.
I can’t hold out much longer.
I’ve tried becoming stronger,
But now I’m numb. Paranoid, even.
Love doesn’t seem right.
It hasn’t done me right.
I shiver from cold and fright,
Yet you are nowhere in sight.
Why are you letting my suffer so much in self-doubt?
Haven’t I cried enough tears? Haven’t you heard me shout?
Well, I’m ready to risk it all.
I know I may fall once more,
But what I know for sure
Is that I’ll rise
Once more I’ll grow wary, once more wise
But for now, can you just give me assurance,
Peace of mind? I’m well past my endurance
For once I want to believe in the magic and power of love
Be kind to me, one who sits watching from above.
Have pity on me, Cupid.
Let me not be hurt, I beg you.
Meanwhile,
I’m waiting.

I’m waiting, Cupid.

(In reply to Off Target, by Shawn Price.)
http://tbwriters.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/off-target-shawn-price/

Question

You ask me what I expect of you,
Ask me what my reaction would be
If you ever said that you love me.
A million thoughts running through my mind
Washed over with nostalgia
Remembering
Reminiscing
Reliving
Those times when you held me high
Those times have grown old now, haggard, fragile
Like a beautiful flower pressed somewhere between the pages of my book,
Trying to preserve its short-lived beauty, romance; it’s sad
Its dull shimmer, seems unreal (it used to shine so bright, it nearly blinded me)
Delicate; careful now, touch it and it’ll crumble and vanish into nothingness
Those times have grown old
Into times where you crushed me low, so low.
Blissfully ignorant,
But your ignorance is not my bliss.
Thinking about the times I was close,
Close by your side, holding your hand
Thinking about the times you were far,
Separated by inches that felt like miles of distance.
I sigh.
I thought I knew you so well, Mr. Stranger.
You study my face closely,
As I bite my lip like I always do when I’m thinking
You’re wondering:
What is going through my mind now?
Suddenly I’m transported to a conversation that I had with your “friend”
I said,
“If he never meant it, he shouldn’t have done that,
He shouldn’t have held my hand,
He shouldn’t have caressed my cheek.”
And you know what he said?
“He regrets that too.”
What did this too mean?!
I never regretted any of it!
I think,
I barely trust myself to believe that you were lying to me
All this while
But…
I try,
A million thoughts converging and then shattering to pieces, painful
I try,
to fix
to fix my gaze on yours
Forget looking straight,
I am barely thinking straight
I’m hoping
That you delve into the depths of my soul
And find
What I truly mean to say.
If you search,
You’ll find it.
Till you do,
The answer is,
“I don’t know.”

Under The Red Quilt

Under the red quilt
I smiled
You lay next to me
I snuggled close to you
Warming myself, at last
From the cold winds of loneliness (that ice my very blood, you know.)
I’d finally found a friend
We watched that movie
On that chilly afternoon
How your toes played with mine
Your fingers intertwined with mine
My head rested on your shoulder
I sighed..

That evening,
We talked on the terrace
Holding hands, holding cups of hot coffee
Together, you said, we’d stand through it all
Together, you said, like you really meant it, like a promise..
We smiled, this was our secret
I looked at you, saw hope, awe, anticipation
Fear?

In the night,
I clutched your hand
You held me so close
As we watched that scary movie
I could barely look
Felt your breath
My hand on your chest
Rhythmically rising, falling
Your fingers tickling my hand
Holding my hand as if you’d never let go
As if you’d always be there for me

But the next day
Under the red quilt
You were next to me, not by my side (you seemed lost.)
After you’d spoken to him, your ‘friend’
Suddenly you clenched my hand hard
As if you never wanted to let go
You got up
I looked at you in surprise
And you said “We can only be friends,
Best friends.”

Your warm fingers traced the outline of my face
You looked away, then
Walked away
Your head hanging low
You never turned back
I stared into the void
My head throbbing
My heart sobbing
Ripped apart
What could I say?
Was I given a choice?
I wiped the lone tear off my cheek
Shivered, it was cold, so cold again
And crept
Under the red quilt

Scared

(an older piece)

Is this real?
I ask myself
Can it be real?
Is this too good to be true?
I am happy, is it wrong?
I’m so afraid because happiness like this is frightening
They say, they only let you be so happy when they are going to take something away from you
Will he go away, like they all did before?
Will he leave, will he break my heart?
Should I risk it, or run for my life?
Should I fall under his spell and then into a deep abyss of hurt and betrayal?
I’m so tired of being hurt again and again and again
I’d like to feel wanted…
No, but I’m too scared to love
Too scared to let go
Too scared to lose myself in his eyes
To melt in his embrace
Oh, but it feels so good, so good when I’m around him,
When I take in his heady scent
When he talks to me in that damn-assured voice of his
It was the music that brought us together
Will the music take him away?
I think I’m in love but I’m afraid to say it out loud
They may hear me, I may jinx it
I may say something wrong and just blow it all away
This is precious to me, fragile
This feeling I’m feeling
I’d like to cherish it; forever
Truth is, I’m scared