Midnight Conversations With Myself.

I am solitary tears tied with string.
(Oh where, oh where could you be?)
(Phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

To the calm, chaos I bring.
(I look in your eyes and what do I see?)
(Oh phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

I am the frost in your disparity.
I am the hope bringing you to your knees.
(Don’t you know what you mean to me?)

I am frozen smiles that reach your ears.
I am the pulse behind your tears.
I am the darkness swallowing up your fears.
(Woman, where is your smile?)
(You’ve been away for a while.)

My tears run down a familiar path, you see.
Do you ever still think about me?
Would you ever write a song about us, and what we used to be?
(Who is this you speak about? An unnamed reflection, and half your heart?)

Would I do it all again? Probably not.
I’d simply re-write the ‘end’ into a momentary pause.
(To still care, you choose.)
(What’s it been now, anyway? One year, or two?)

This was inadequate love, I say.
Too far I let you stray.
Too scared to trust,
Too sacred to lose.
We had one choice; and that we didn’t choose.
(Silly woman, move on already.)
(He’s in a happier place with others, from you he is free.)
(Don’t draw him back into your misery.)

I am seashells strung with red ribbon.
I am the taste of chocolate on your lips.
I am three missed phone calls and six cups of coffee.
I am the songs you strum on your guitar at night.
(Let go and forget.)
(It is for the best.)

I want our time back.
I shut my eyes and I’m still taken back to the hills, under open skies
Do you remember, do you remember at all?
Have your forgotten, in the silence it was your name I called?
Isn’t your embrace where I truly belong?
(…)
(I have nothing to say, anymore.)
(You’ve been down this memory path before.)

Well.

My laughter is no longer the sweetest sound you will hear.
It is bitterness tinged with cheer.
I am not sunshine and I am not peace.
I would rather run to the chaos and see the present it brought me.
(Phenomenal woman, you set your boundaries.)
(Phenomenal woman, now you are truly free.)

Let’s put all of this behind us and start anew.
“Hi, I’m Ruth, and it’s nice to meet you.”
(But love of my life, are you still you?)

You, Sunshine.

A solitary white orb gracefully melts at crack of dawn –
Wisps of clouds swirl, a giddying delight of shadow and light
The muted silhouette of the sun rises silently
A delicate, fragrant zephyr cools my face
Rays of the sun reach out and warms my soul.
The sweet dark night sky has played its part,
The frost of night no longer chills my heart.
The darkness vanishes and this time the nightmares stay behind.
I embrace the glow, my old friend now I find.
Now I understand the purpose of night –
If not for the dusk how would I have ever found you, my light?
Your touch lingers on my skin.
Your smile is etched in my mind.
Your kiss renews me with strength.
The look in your eyes,
The tremor in your voice
Tells me all I needed to know.
A pregnant pause, a wistful sigh,
Heavy eyes greet the azure sky.
The pain fades, the hurt I shun;
Slowly, I turn my face to the rising sun,
To let the sunshine kiss my face.

Do you understand why I call you Sunshine?
Yes, you, you dispelled the darkness.

Wishes (1)

I want to laugh and let the stars shine in my black eyes.
I went to be held close and hugged tight, enveloped in your warmth
I want to be kissed and melt in your arms
I want to be touched everywhere.
I want your magical hands run up and down my back – shiver!
I want to be giddy with desire
Longing for you,
Thirsting for you
I want you to tug at my hair lovingly and tuck it behind my ear when I smile at you, stroked when I lie in your arms, and brushed away from my face
I want to fall back on you when I fail
Lean on you when I cry
Hold on to you when I’m crippled
I want you when I’m in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, snuggling behind me
Whispering my favourite tunes in my ear
I want to cuddle up with you on a cold wintry day
When I go to sleep I want to know that no matter what, my darling, you are there for me and always will be.
I want to walk your miles with you, hand in hand
and cheer you on when you go that extra mile
I want to remain silent, standing quietly beside you
Watching the rain patter outside our window
I want to revel in the warmth of your body near mine
Your hand in mine, my hand on your chest, marvelling at the rhythmic rise and fall
Gently exploring the contours of your body, the way strong muscle has been weaved together by His hands – a true miracle!
And then I’ll sigh,
All I ask
Is to be trusted, honoured, cherished, respected and loved
I want to be your one and only
I want to be your heart, your soul, your life
I want to be the one who takes your breath away every morning as you awake to a new day.

Twenty Past One

It’s twenty past one.
I’m sitting on my bed. Munching
On chocolate chip cookies, crunching
Thinking
You were in front of me, all I was doing is punching
Your face,
Instead of speaking (I hate you so)
Something
Which I know now I shouldn’t have said. (I love you so)
Now launching,
Into bouts of moody, selfish imagination
Of my version.
I’m staring,
Into oblivion
As you’re shrinking
Into the distant past
I’m blinking
I was a fool, convinced this would last
Oh, but you go,
I’m so over you.
Maybe not.