Midnight Conversations With Myself.

I am solitary tears tied with string.
(Oh where, oh where could you be?)
(Phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

To the calm, chaos I bring.
(I look in your eyes and what do I see?)
(Oh phenomenal woman, what’s your mystery?)

I am the frost in your disparity.
I am the hope bringing you to your knees.
(Don’t you know what you mean to me?)

I am frozen smiles that reach your ears.
I am the pulse behind your tears.
I am the darkness swallowing up your fears.
(Woman, where is your smile?)
(You’ve been away for a while.)

My tears run down a familiar path, you see.
Do you ever still think about me?
Would you ever write a song about us, and what we used to be?
(Who is this you speak about? An unnamed reflection, and half your heart?)

Would I do it all again? Probably not.
I’d simply re-write the ‘end’ into a momentary pause.
(To still care, you choose.)
(What’s it been now, anyway? One year, or two?)

This was inadequate love, I say.
Too far I let you stray.
Too scared to trust,
Too sacred to lose.
We had one choice; and that we didn’t choose.
(Silly woman, move on already.)
(He’s in a happier place with others, from you he is free.)
(Don’t draw him back into your misery.)

I am seashells strung with red ribbon.
I am the taste of chocolate on your lips.
I am three missed phone calls and six cups of coffee.
I am the songs you strum on your guitar at night.
(Let go and forget.)
(It is for the best.)

I want our time back.
I shut my eyes and I’m still taken back to the hills, under open skies
Do you remember, do you remember at all?
Have your forgotten, in the silence it was your name I called?
Isn’t your embrace where I truly belong?
(…)
(I have nothing to say, anymore.)
(You’ve been down this memory path before.)

Well.

My laughter is no longer the sweetest sound you will hear.
It is bitterness tinged with cheer.
I am not sunshine and I am not peace.
I would rather run to the chaos and see the present it brought me.
(Phenomenal woman, you set your boundaries.)
(Phenomenal woman, now you are truly free.)

Let’s put all of this behind us and start anew.
“Hi, I’m Ruth, and it’s nice to meet you.”
(But love of my life, are you still you?)

I Am

I am the unspoken words on your lips
I am what makes your heart tingle with magic
I am the rush of blood in your veins
I am your release from this world’s cumbersome chains
I am the crease of your worried brow
I am the sorrow you never let show
I am the pride that holds your chin up
I am the hope in your eyes
I am the wild voice in your head
I am the courage in your steps to go that extra mile
I am the soft sighs of frustration
I am the screams of exultation
I am the one truth you can’t deny
I am yours, and you are mine,
I am the love of your life.

 

Fluid.

My heart is heavy, but now it is free.
I stumble in the darkness, but at least I can see.
Water is insipid but it cannot be stitched.
Ignorance is bliss, so let’s pretend you don’t exist.
Let’s pretend we never kissed.

Sunlight and silence don’t really go well together,
Just like you and me.
The blows of your words turned my heart into steel.
Steel turns into resolve that cannot be caged.
The still of the oceans soothes a heart full of rage.

Water may be insipid, but at least it flows and is free,
I am lifeless, but at least I am me.

Evil In My Innocence, Or So It Seems

A storm of obsidian and orange battles in the sky,
Oblivious to me; marvelling at
This riot, this perpetual struggle
This essence of difference in their confluence.
Still, lifeless pools of mud
Smirk silently, the eyes of the earth watching
The air has stilled, as if with bated breath
They anticipate my walk into Doom
Vanishing into Oblivion
Dissolving in the Loneliness
But I am unafraid.
Silence.
I see you, as I have countless times
Your black silhouette glows too bright against the iridescent sky
Your shimmering smile is unreal, I remind myself
An illusion my mind has struggled violently against before
Acutely aware of my many scars, I walk
You invade the inner sanctum of my mind and I stumble
Powerless now, I crawl to you
Pushing all of your strength away from me in vain
Inexplicable terror seizes me and I collapse in your arms
You are an old wound with the capacity to hurt much more than you actually should.
Tears? What tears? To cry is such a cliché
And even though I am all too familiar with this pain,
The hurt rips me apart, just like the first time.
What is it about you that forces me to unwillingly succumb to your charms?
When I am finally conscious of your lethal touch
You grip my face and deeply, you kiss
Your heady scent envelops me – my grave
Irresistible as you are, I try and break free
I no longer have the strength to fight
All of a sudden you are gone and I am left clutching my Shadows, my old friends
Like a fool, once more I was trapped
My feet sink into that marsh called Hope
Damned to eternal punishment – my only crime being to love you and give my all to you
The sky rages overhead, rent apart by the violence of your words and light
The earth shudders in fury
And Time claims yet another innocent victim

Are You Here?

Your silence kills me more than the words you say
You hold my hand tightly but seem so far away
I asked you to be honest, didn’t I?

You’d like to keep your distance, that’s fine by me
Tell me what’s on your mind, I cannot wait till another “cup of coffee”
If it’s time, I will say good-bye.

You’ve drifted off somewhere, I stand alone at the shore.
There is no point in holding out any more.

You, Sunshine.

A solitary white orb gracefully melts at crack of dawn –
Wisps of clouds swirl, a giddying delight of shadow and light
The muted silhouette of the sun rises silently
A delicate, fragrant zephyr cools my face
Rays of the sun reach out and warms my soul.
The sweet dark night sky has played its part,
The frost of night no longer chills my heart.
The darkness vanishes and this time the nightmares stay behind.
I embrace the glow, my old friend now I find.
Now I understand the purpose of night –
If not for the dusk how would I have ever found you, my light?
Your touch lingers on my skin.
Your smile is etched in my mind.
Your kiss renews me with strength.
The look in your eyes,
The tremor in your voice
Tells me all I needed to know.
A pregnant pause, a wistful sigh,
Heavy eyes greet the azure sky.
The pain fades, the hurt I shun;
Slowly, I turn my face to the rising sun,
To let the sunshine kiss my face.

Do you understand why I call you Sunshine?
Yes, you, you dispelled the darkness.

Addiction

You are a drug, my drug, my creation
And now I’m addicted to you.
I’m admitting it, finally.
I’m not ashamed to say it.
It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
When I’m away from you, when you’re not around me,
I know how horribly wrong I am about you
How terrible you can be to me,
What a pathetic influence you are
No thanks, I’d like to maintain my distance
Making me compromise on my independence
Talking to you diminishes my confidence,
I don’t know who I am anymore!
But I’m drawn to you.
You are my elixir.
And I come back.
You know I always will.
So you take advantage of it.
This is what you, your pseudo-love has done to me
Can’t you see?
I’m ravaged, pale, starving
Yet now you peacefully sleep
You won’t dream about me.
You won’t imagine me lying next to you, cuddling
In your arms, getting comfortable just as I did that evening
I’m mourning
Alone, all alone
I’m gasping, for air
Panting, I can’t breathe
Choking,
Screaming hoarsely
Your name on my lips
My head is dizzy
Sudden influx of memories
I don’t want to remember them
I try so hard to push them out of my mind
Rapid, shallow, irregular
I will crave you, your presence
Even though I know
You will be the end of me.

Wishes (1)

I want to laugh and let the stars shine in my black eyes.
I went to be held close and hugged tight, enveloped in your warmth
I want to be kissed and melt in your arms
I want to be touched everywhere.
I want your magical hands run up and down my back – shiver!
I want to be giddy with desire
Longing for you,
Thirsting for you
I want you to tug at my hair lovingly and tuck it behind my ear when I smile at you, stroked when I lie in your arms, and brushed away from my face
I want to fall back on you when I fail
Lean on you when I cry
Hold on to you when I’m crippled
I want you when I’m in the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, snuggling behind me
Whispering my favourite tunes in my ear
I want to cuddle up with you on a cold wintry day
When I go to sleep I want to know that no matter what, my darling, you are there for me and always will be.
I want to walk your miles with you, hand in hand
and cheer you on when you go that extra mile
I want to remain silent, standing quietly beside you
Watching the rain patter outside our window
I want to revel in the warmth of your body near mine
Your hand in mine, my hand on your chest, marvelling at the rhythmic rise and fall
Gently exploring the contours of your body, the way strong muscle has been weaved together by His hands – a true miracle!
And then I’ll sigh,
All I ask
Is to be trusted, honoured, cherished, respected and loved
I want to be your one and only
I want to be your heart, your soul, your life
I want to be the one who takes your breath away every morning as you awake to a new day.

False Hopes (It’s All A Lie)

Miss you
I’m so tired of fighting you
I’m so tired of fighting myself
I just want to
Want to crawl back in your arms and feel alright
Feel pity on my plight
I’m a pathetic sight right now
I want to feel safe
Not empty and hollow
Your absence is hard to swallow
Where you go, you know I’d blindly follow
But please, don’t take advantage of that.
Your ab sen  c    e
Is a shock
Now realization dawns
In this night of despair
Like a moth I’m drawn
To your false light – do I dare?

Miss you
Holding the shell-necklace you gave me in my hands
Its knots, endless, twisted and twisted
I can’t make head or tail of it
You were twisted too
And I was messed up
We promised we’d make each other alright
You’re fine now, I guess, I judge.
I’m still messed up
Creased, crumpled, crushed
Tossed into the waste-bin carelessly
Carelessly you let me go
You let me slip and fall
Now I pound at the walls
I’m uncared for
Yet, I miss you.
You were my drug, my elixir.
I was addicted
And my piano lies neglected
I haven’t played in so long
It’s gone, our song
Miss you
I do
Love you – I can’t say
But come back
I’ll make us some coffee
We’ll share a bar of chocolate
And laugh at that overused joke once more
Then everything will be alright.
I hope.

With An Undertone Of Love

(My love for music and the unspoken connect that I shared with my close friend over music inspired me to write this.)

Photo Source : Etsy(dot)com

Photo Source : Etsy(dot)com

You were D major, so happy, vivace,
I was just A minor, sad and alone
Trying to be expressive, trying to be graceful
The sole relative I had was C, but she was crazy – she only saw the white and refused to admit sometimes in life there was black notes too
Reluctantly she admitted to B flat.

But you became part of my melody, my rhythm – and when, I didn’t even realize.
Were you the anacrusis I needed, in my crisis?
Re of sunlight,
You taught me to C sharp, read between the lines
We worked out our harmony in the cacophony
You were my leading note
With you I was perfect
You helped me overcome every clef
My accidentals; I wasn’t proud of them
You showed me to embrace them as my naturals
And let them be my key signature
You smoothed them out, legato, legato
With you I never wavered, I never quavered
You taught me to be forte, be dominant, express myself
But ma non troppo, ma non tanto
You became the grace of my notes
When I was with you, I trilled, like a bird
I beamed when you tied me to yourself
Reluctant to let me go
At every turn you held my hand
But sometimes even you slurred
I was just scared, I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle those phrases of yours
Sometimes when you galloped away
I held you – tenuto, pause – taught you to enjoy and savour the moments
We were in sync babe, we moved in parallel motion
You held the key to my heart
Amoroso, amoroso, we progressed in unison

Finally when we reached our crescendo
You held me so high, so high on the high C
I looked back down and saw what a long way I’ve come from what I used to be
Just A flat minor

Little did I know that you only sang falsetto

What went wrong I still don’t realize
Maybe I hit the wrong note
Maybe I tapped the wrong time
But sforzando!
And you were gone.

Our cadence wasn’t perfect, babe
But that’s the beauty of it
Maybe it was temporary, the rest
May be it was necessary, for our song to be the best

Con forza, con fuoco, risoluto
You came into my life
Now you’re gone
I’m beat, downtempo,
I just hang around, hunting desperately for the Da capo, the repeat, the reprise
Even though it may sound as the same ending, all I want back is my time with you
My trembling voice comes and goes, forte-piano, forte-piano
All is morendo now, sotto voce, subdued.

Scared

(an older piece)

Is this real?
I ask myself
Can it be real?
Is this too good to be true?
I am happy, is it wrong?
I’m so afraid because happiness like this is frightening
They say, they only let you be so happy when they are going to take something away from you
Will he go away, like they all did before?
Will he leave, will he break my heart?
Should I risk it, or run for my life?
Should I fall under his spell and then into a deep abyss of hurt and betrayal?
I’m so tired of being hurt again and again and again
I’d like to feel wanted…
No, but I’m too scared to love
Too scared to let go
Too scared to lose myself in his eyes
To melt in his embrace
Oh, but it feels so good, so good when I’m around him,
When I take in his heady scent
When he talks to me in that damn-assured voice of his
It was the music that brought us together
Will the music take him away?
I think I’m in love but I’m afraid to say it out loud
They may hear me, I may jinx it
I may say something wrong and just blow it all away
This is precious to me, fragile
This feeling I’m feeling
I’d like to cherish it; forever
Truth is, I’m scared

Hush, Now (The Little Death)

Speak softly, my darling
Quiet, not a word now,
Let’s fight no more.
Hush, listen to the
Sounds of silence, the
Oblivion, the
Darkness, of
Loneliness
Out of which we arose
Like a phoenix, from the ashes,
The embers will never die.
The passion we shared
Will never fade…
The warmth; we warmed each other
The cockles of my heart, melting
The cold, hard snow of the years, thawing
The warm ray of sunshine
You came into my life,
We filled the deafening silence with
Our music
Our laughter
Half smiles and downcast eyes.
In your arms I lay (till the storm passes)
You held me close (till the wind ceases)
I thought you would never let go…
A cool zephyr blows, now the light glows
Together we’ll soar into the sky
Above the miserable clouds (with no silver lining)
Up where the sun shines upon on our faces
The wind beneath our wings
We’ll laugh together,
We’ll mock those jaded, cynical beings
Who mocked us.
They were just jealous
We’ll prove them wrong,
Our love will.

Come to me.
Speak no more.
Precious, fragile, delicate hearts
Can break under harsh words, under pressure
Hush now, let’s nourish
The little we have left
A measure of music, half of merriment
A sprinkling of the shards of the past…
Hold my hand.
I’ll shroud you in my affections
Smother you with my love
Choke you with my words
Close your eyes with my kisses
Put you to sleep with my songs, my voice
And when you rest I’ll let go
And you’ll slip back into oblivion.
Peacefully.
Unknowingly.
And I’ll return to the shadows I know too well,
Existing, not living
Covered in cobwebs (of illusion), star-dust
Surrounded in shards of my broken soul
Each reflecting, magnifying the hurt, the pain,
Singing the song of silence (it’ll echo)
Till I rise again

Twenty Past One

It’s twenty past one.
I’m sitting on my bed. Munching
On chocolate chip cookies, crunching
Thinking
You were in front of me, all I was doing is punching
Your face,
Instead of speaking (I hate you so)
Something
Which I know now I shouldn’t have said. (I love you so)
Now launching,
Into bouts of moody, selfish imagination
Of my version.
I’m staring,
Into oblivion
As you’re shrinking
Into the distant past
I’m blinking
I was a fool, convinced this would last
Oh, but you go,
I’m so over you.
Maybe not.

Conflict

I’d heard of love from my friends before
I’d see them lost to the world, their hearts would adore
Each other
And I wondered,
What is love?
But a childish, immature, fantastical concept
A naïve, vulnerable, hazardous prospect
All this while I thought I was grown up until it crept
Upon me
Like a shadow,
Stealthily
And I didn’t even realize
All this time I thought I could moralize
But now I’m paralyzed
This catch in my breath,
When my heart skips a beat
My lower lip trembles
I refused to believe
That I was in love
This tightness in my chest
My head still protests
It’s hard to digest
Was I in love?
I shiver a bit
My belly does a little flip
When I think of his name
Was I going insane?
To think that cynical, mistrustful me
Had been finally ensnared, finally deceived
Had I fallen in love?
Had I fallen in love?
Could it be true
That my prince charming arrived so soon
On his white horse
Singing the verse
Of my heart
No, I was a fool,
I searched for another excuse
No but he had arrived
Wanted me to be his bride
Wanted me by his side
And when he smiled at me,
He broke straight through this shield,
This armour, this shell that I’d built
I didn’t even know it existed
Trapped in the grey tower of my own doing
He rescued me, his princess
I know it’s true
I touched him, he’d kissed my hands
And whatever I’d thought, I’d planned
Vanished
I know it’s true
Was this my cue?
To finally believe?

Now he’s gone
My lower lip trembles, my heart has lost its song
I didn’t believe in love’s magic, its power
I admit, I was a doubter, a coward
But now look what love has done to me
I’m a different being
Yes, because I didn’t believe I’ve fallen down
My head frowns,
Telling me, “I told you so”
This is my punishment
It wasn’t love, I said, so he went
Created this illusion
Threw me in this confusion, delusion
I couldn’t come to a conclusion
He filled a void; I was baffled it even existed
I could get him back I knew
My heart persisted
My head resisted
This conflict, this battle rages,
I’ve retreated to my cage
And I don’t want to leave
I don’t want to fall in love again
Hear my head berate heart once more
Be drowned, then the impossible swim to the shore
No, it was sensible to not fall in love, I swore
But it felt so good; when I was with him, magic
I traveled to a different world; ecstatic
I felt warm, secure, these were feelings I’d never known
Now that he was gone I couldn’t accuse
Now that he was gone I could no longer refuse
The excuse
That indeed I was in love
I felt so lonely that night,
The light
It left my eyes
Who was to blame but myself for my plight?
And this lone tear fell from my face
Like rain, on a hot dry summer day
My heart heaved,
My head finally believed
That indeed
I had been in love,
I had been in love