Question

You ask me what I expect of you,
Ask me what my reaction would be
If you ever said that you love me.
A million thoughts running through my mind
Washed over with nostalgia
Remembering
Reminiscing
Reliving
Those times when you held me high
Those times have grown old now, haggard, fragile
Like a beautiful flower pressed somewhere between the pages of my book,
Trying to preserve its short-lived beauty, romance; it’s sad
Its dull shimmer, seems unreal (it used to shine so bright, it nearly blinded me)
Delicate; careful now, touch it and it’ll crumble and vanish into nothingness
Those times have grown old
Into times where you crushed me low, so low.
Blissfully ignorant,
But your ignorance is not my bliss.
Thinking about the times I was close,
Close by your side, holding your hand
Thinking about the times you were far,
Separated by inches that felt like miles of distance.
I sigh.
I thought I knew you so well, Mr. Stranger.
You study my face closely,
As I bite my lip like I always do when I’m thinking
You’re wondering:
What is going through my mind now?
Suddenly I’m transported to a conversation that I had with your “friend”
I said,
“If he never meant it, he shouldn’t have done that,
He shouldn’t have held my hand,
He shouldn’t have caressed my cheek.”
And you know what he said?
“He regrets that too.”
What did this too mean?!
I never regretted any of it!
I think,
I barely trust myself to believe that you were lying to me
All this while
But…
I try,
A million thoughts converging and then shattering to pieces, painful
I try,
to fix
to fix my gaze on yours
Forget looking straight,
I am barely thinking straight
I’m hoping
That you delve into the depths of my soul
And find
What I truly mean to say.
If you search,
You’ll find it.
Till you do,
The answer is,
“I don’t know.”

Scared

(an older piece)

Is this real?
I ask myself
Can it be real?
Is this too good to be true?
I am happy, is it wrong?
I’m so afraid because happiness like this is frightening
They say, they only let you be so happy when they are going to take something away from you
Will he go away, like they all did before?
Will he leave, will he break my heart?
Should I risk it, or run for my life?
Should I fall under his spell and then into a deep abyss of hurt and betrayal?
I’m so tired of being hurt again and again and again
I’d like to feel wanted…
No, but I’m too scared to love
Too scared to let go
Too scared to lose myself in his eyes
To melt in his embrace
Oh, but it feels so good, so good when I’m around him,
When I take in his heady scent
When he talks to me in that damn-assured voice of his
It was the music that brought us together
Will the music take him away?
I think I’m in love but I’m afraid to say it out loud
They may hear me, I may jinx it
I may say something wrong and just blow it all away
This is precious to me, fragile
This feeling I’m feeling
I’d like to cherish it; forever
Truth is, I’m scared

My New-Old Friend

These are my memories of you.
Orange juice, after a strenuous
game of boisterous
Football.
After which we sat, and talked, and talked some more, and held hands,
Two aunties swishing their dupattas as they walked by,
Their upturned noses,
Disdainful glances, (through gold-rimmed glasses)
And how we laughed!
We started speaking because of our love of food (junk, obviously)
And we first met each other.
And we couldn’t take our eyes off each other.
As we zoooooooomed through the streets of the city,
Vrooooom!
Lunch, then (junk, obviously)
And one giant cup of strong, chilled, fizzy, sticky, sticky soda
A glass bottle that traveled across the seas from
Dubai, and that red scarf
Where I was The King,
The Master Of The Earth
With a painted mustache on my face.
And you pretended to be my not-so-humble servant,
Bumbling about with that huge umbrella.
And how we laughed!
And you watched as I took your watch.
(I still wear it everyday, you know.)
Steady eyes boring deep, gauging my reaction.
I was pleasantly surprised.
The fort near the sea, where we took so many glorious pictures
And memories, near the wall
Your results, we stalked in the mall
And you spoke to my mom.
Show-off. How would I forget that, darling?
Five hour midnight conversations
Over things as trivial as spiders on my wall
And skeletons in the closet, and high-school crushes,
Teachers, your favorite (wink wink)
And music, you were so ‘patient’ with me
And how we just had to try out that chicken roll.
And scared me again,
Over this fizzy, half-empty, sticky, sticky, sticky bottle of soda
You messed my hair. I’m not going to forgive you for that.
Oh, how we laughed!
Your shoes, those black ones,
I crafted, you loved
To see me do that, and you would smile
At whatever I did, I remember
How you pulled my cheeks as I sang (horribly off-tune, of course)
And brushed that stray lock off my face
And I blushed, and you would smile.
You taught me to smile, (did you know that?) all the time,
(and crack a stupid joke whenever I could)
You taught me what laughter is,
What a true best friend can be.
And how to mean every word I said,
And still be absolutely sane-insane.
Enjoy, what life is,
You defined vibrant, you defined life
We left our demons behind
And how we laughed! Without a care in this desolate, dreary world.
The world was too slow for us. We never really understood them, I felt.
We were more than friends.
You said it.
I knew it.
I was scared,
To admit it.
I’m so sorry I let you down.
I let our moment,
Our moment
Pass by,
And I ignored it
I hurt you,
I know. I’m so sorry.
You’re away now, pursuing passionately your dreams
The light
Still bright
In your eyes (don’t let it fade, ever)
And the last day, before you went,
I didn’t want to let you go…
Do you understand?
We don’t talk now, but
My drunk friend, if I could, I would
Spend the last five minutes of my life with you,
Talking about t-shirts, and just drinking in your laughter,
As we would sit bare-foot in the sand, sharing a half-empty, (you would say half-full) bottle of sticky, fizzy soda, with lots of bubbles.